Thursday, January 29, 2015

Mourning into Meaning

Just got back from the first session of my Intuitive Painting class. Here's what I've got so far, the first stage of my painting.  Not sure which end is up yet, it's still a big hunk of chaotic mess.  But it's all about the process, not so much the product, that this class is trying to teach us.  To let go of that preconceived notion of a painting having to look a certain way, to hold it lightly, learn to listen to your intuition in creating art that is meaningful to you personally.  Learn to quieten your inner critic and just flow with it.

Well my inner critic was screaming at me that this was just a piece of chaotic crap for most of the 3-hour session tonight.  I went in there feeling really really sad and weepy.  Not even sure why, it was just this almost purely physical feeling I was having.  A lot of stuff bothering me that I couldn't even name.  So the first thing she had us do was decide on our "intention", a word or phrase that popped into our minds as something we're focused on achieving in our life this year.  We went around and shared these a bit, and I shared the words "courageous heart", as that's something I've been thinking about alot, as in having the courage to be authentic, honest, even vulnerable.  But as we started the first part of the process, to begin journaling words across our huge canvases, using watercolor pencils, these stupid tears started flowing, and the words became darker, as in "courage to live", as I imagined it a major feat just to stay alive throughout 2015.  To remain on this earth, when I feel no desire or positive energy to go another day.  I didn't want to cry.  Especially not with these other people in the room with me.  And the words, the phrase that came to mind as I observed what a pile of #$%^% this painting was looking like to me, were "mourning into meaning".  Mourning so many things in life.  My dad getting weaker and sicker and depressed and ready to really die soon.  I'm not ready for that.  Mourning the death of some things in my own life.  Death, death, death.  Mourning everything.   How can there possibly be any meaning in that?

The teacher, my counselor, commented that this painting so far had a look of the "cosmos" to it, like stars and galaxies and stuff.  I agree.  Like the place where our spirits go when we die.  The place I'll see my sweet daddy in a new, healthy body again.  Maybe soon.  I also thought I saw the soft spray at the top of a big ocean wave in one section.  But that may all change as I proceed to continue this project. I'll turn it all different ways till I decide which way is up.  It may take months until I finally feel that this piece is finished, and that's ok.  I'll know, I'll feel it, when it's really done.   Hoping for some meaning to emerge.  Just like in my life.  Meaning.  Life.  Not just death and mourning.  Or wanting to die.

To be continued.....